I first heard this quote from Dr. Vasant Lad in his beautiful book of poetry, “Strands of Eternity.” It is within his poem about meditation that he talks of the space between our thoughts which is where we find peace. It has taken a lot of time and study to grasp this but now I often return to this quote when I find myself wrapped up in anxiety, worry, frustration, and stress about anything, big and small. Like many of us I have a strong tendency to over-analyze and over-think random thoughts to death especially in the heat of any emotion….until I remember I can refocus my attention at any time.

When I first realized that my beliefs and habits possibly contributed to the suffering I experienced I was in my late twenties, divorced twice, living alone in a small 555 square foot apartment barely eating and hiding myself from the world. Filled with shame and embarrassed about the life I was living, I isolated myself from family and friends drowning in self-pity.

Upon serious reflection of my situation, it occurred to me that every decision I made up until that point was exactly how I ended up there. While I didn’t know how to actually “fix” things I decided it wouldn’t hurt to just start doing the opposite of everything I had been doing my whole life and see where that would lead me.

I decided I would start taking better care of myself when it was always so much easier to focus on what other people wanted and needed from me. Rather than trying to manipulate certain situations to look and feel the way I thought they “should be” I decided to step back to let things happen more naturally and let things be as they were.

I began to set boundaries, creating space where I felt safe, not letting just anyone in and not keeping myself completely isolated either. Within that space, I began to try new things no matter how vulnerable it made me feel. I learned very quickly the people, places, and activities that did and did not seem to support my new intention of nurturing myself and it became easier and easier to see the signs and shift my actions and choices accordingly.

I learned that my thoughts and feelings were separate from myself, separate from who I am at the core. I started to understand that I am at the center a neutral human, an individual, doing the best that I can with what I have and what I know and the thoughts and feelings I experience can actually exist without me judging them and more importantly without me attaching to them.

The most significant shift of all was learning how to focus my attention. Through practicing and studying yoga and surrounding myself with individuals who were stronger, wiser, and more compassionate than I was I began to objectively observe my own patterns. It still requires consistent practice to work on changing those thoughts when I recognize they no longer serve me but this ability to shift my perspective has been the most valuable skill by far.

I started to notice that when I found myself frustrated about another person’s behavior or treatment of me, it was so much easier to blame the other person and excessively focus on their faults. When I looked deeper, I discovered that I was allowing myself to be mistreated because I had not yet established my own value or self-worth. It was up to me to be honest, to stand up for myself and speak up or walk away.

When I worked for someone who belittled me and refused to recognize my contributions, all of my attention was focused on that difficult person and that job being a bad fit for me. But once I uncovered the fact that I needed to believe in myself for myself and no one else, it was easy for me to disconnect so I could finally move on. I had to decide I was worthy of respect before I could receive it from anyone.

The things we tend to focus on when we get upset, feel mistreated, or stressed out rarely have to do with what’s really going on underneath. When we shift our attention to what we’re not paying attention to we often find deeper, darker, much more difficult issues we can’t or don’t want to see.

When we do look deeper and see the fear of being alone, of not being good enough or that we are undeserving, of being seen and judged, of being left behind or abandoned, of losing ourselves or a loved one, and on and on……we often default to distractions because it’s easier and it feels safer, but I argue that idea is an illusion in itself. It isn’t easier or safe at all, we just don’t believe that we’re worth the effort yet.

I’m telling you again, now and always, you are worth the effort. To live the best version of yourself and your life you are worth the hard work, the difficult conversations, the attention to the scary layers underneath. You are worth seeing yourself and your life without judging every second, every emotion, every thought. Feel all the feelings, allow them to flow and process through you, but don’t feel like you have to label them as good or bad, awful or amazing. Let all of it, the ugly and the beautiful, exist all around and within you and learn to embrace your HUMANness. Then little by little, notice what you are not paying attention to and shift your focus to that empty, pure, peaceful space between the chaos of your thoughts. Allow that space to expand more and more each day and feel your heart, mind, and spirit grow with it.

When I sit down to write a new post I am motivated by the passion to create a space for healing. Sharing my own struggles and challenges through writing has become the natural progression of my own journey to heal myself…..and it is absolutely terrifying.

The thing is, the journey wouldn’t really be so powerful if it wasn’t at least a little bit scary. We already know we don’t grow and evolve when things are easy and comfortable, and yet it is human nature for us to resist that which feels difficult or causes discomfort—especially a process such as this.

As regularly practicing yoga allowed me to begin seeing myself more clearly, it wasn’t until studying and practicing Ayurveda that actually created such a space for me. I have learned and implemented a lot over the last five years and as I continue to learn and grow this space for myself, I become more and more passionate about sharing it with others. I did not know it at the time but first working with Courtney Miller Morris and Debby Andersen, Co-Founders of Hamsa School of Yoga and Ayurveda, would undeniably change my life forever.

There are a number of elements and qualities needed to create a true space for healing whether it is for yourself or for anyone else. We’ll go over each of these in detail over the next several posts. With the ability to keep even a few of these guiding principles in mind, the greater chance we have to help ourselves and those around us to heal.

Safety First: No matter what we are going through we must believe without a doubt that we are absolutely safe when we are trying to heal something within us. It’s important to note that feeling safe absolutely includes our physical body and our environment but it goes much deeper than that as well. As healing often means drawing up our wounds, the pain can be excruciating and if we aren’t free to express ourselves openly and honestly, the ability to heal is often hindered.

Recognize the more subtle areas and times in your life where you do not trust how you will be treated or excessively worry about how you or your behavior will be received. This may include experiencing a difficult relationship, a hostile work environment, or even just catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Being constantly distracted by judgment of yourself and others continuously draws your attention outward–while healing must begin within ourselves.

What makes this first quality for space so difficult is that we do not always recognize when we are choosing judgment or self-criticism because it has been so ingrained in our mindset for so long. We have to be willing to be honest about these triggers and have the courage to face them as well. Whether it is how we judge ourselves in any given moment or how we choose to see life as either “wonderful” or “awful,” these judgments are simply mental habits that have been created over time….which also means they can be broken.

Once we become aware of the areas in our lives where we don’t feel safe, it is up to us to carve out some space for ourselves where we do. A daily practice of self-compassion and non-judgement is essential. A time in which you make a conscious effort to not judge anything as “good” or “bad” including yourself and therefore not attaching to that desire or resistance is incredibly powerful.

Sitting quietly, writing out your feelings, moving meditation, silent prayer, expressing yourself creatively, talking with a friend, counselor, or loved one you trust explicitly are all just a few ways you can create a safe space for yourself to heal. Start small and keep it manageable. Even just five minutes each day can make a significant impact.

Do not underestimate the words you choose to use on a daily basis and encourage yourself to seek out and provide room for trust and self-acceptance. Notice where you and others judge and criticize the most and allow yourself to begin letting that habitual mindset go. As you nurture this practice for yourself you can lengthen the time and expand the activities so that creating a safe space replaces old behaviors and becomes the greater habit towards self-love and healing.

In the lowest points of my life, I would not let anyone in. It was always the safer, easier choice, to stay small and not even bother trying to experience more than I had or more than I was. The feeling of being unworthy or not good enough was so overwhelming that reaching out to others was the scariest thing to do. That level of exposure and vulnerability felt like it would end the safety net of my world as I knew it and everything would come crashing down. Come to find out, there is more truth to that than I would ever imagine–but in the best possible way.

There are times that we are so sure about ourselves and the world around us that we are convinced there isn’t any other way to exist. When I hear students and trainees I work with tell me they are a certain way and incapable of anything else, I recognize their insecurity in themselves like a mirror to my past and I long to connect with them to help light a new way of thinking.

What’s helpful to recognize, I think, is that we are always going to be motivated by our own beliefs. The choices we make and the habits we create, including the people we spend our time and energy with, is almost always going to be a reflection of how we feel about ourselves, what we judge within ourselves, what we think we deserve and what we think we desire. The thing is, our Citta, or heart-mind complex, is full of memories and experiences that constantly influence us and without fully acknowledging them or taking the time to still all that comes up with silence or meditation it can easily be distracted by stories and illusion.

I come across a lot of motivational reminders in social media that focus all the attention on another person or something outside of the self. The quotes might have to do with not letting negative people bring you down, or how to avoid drama or toxic people. What I’ve come to believe is that, for the most part, people treat other people the way they see or feel about themselves and therefore their drama really has nothing at all to do with us. “Misery loves company” is a saying for a reason.

If that is to be believed, then in reality there is nothing to take on ourselves or to take personally from other people. We do not have to own other people’s thoughts or opinions. Furthermore, there will be some situations in which addressing the treatment is necessary and others in which it is our choice to walk away as we no longer need them–and both of these actions can absolutely be done with compassion for the other person and their journey. “Peace be with you” is another saying and it doesn’t cost a thing.

Looking back I recognize that the times I felt the worst about myself were the times I was surrounded by people who challenged and/or intensified those feelings the most. I truly believe that the people we attract and those who we come across in life show up exactly when we need them and at the very least teach us something and vice versa. The question then becomes, do we avoid, criticize and judge the person or do we choose to learn more about ourselves and our own issues in order to grow?

For me, refocusing my attention towards being the best version of myself rather than on the chaos around me has created a world full of unlimited potential, a tremendous amount of joy, and some of the most loving, inspiring, encouraging, supportive people I have ever known. When we lift each other up we lift ourselves up as well and that can make all the difference in how we experience the world.

When we learn that love, compassion, and kindness never run out when we share it with others we hopefully inspire those around us to do the same. Maintaining that intention of embracing that which challenges us can be the most powerful way to generate peace within our hearts. It is up to others to choose that path for themselves and if they do, we potentially create a cycle of healing that continues on throughout the rest of the world. It’s because of this that I can’t imagine a better way to support ourselves and our own healing than to continuously share that peace with those around us as much and as often as possible.

There was a time in my life that I felt like I had nothing but questions and absolutely no answers. I found myself alone, in a relatively unknown town, questioning who I was, what I was doing, and why I kept making decisions to repeatedly get me in situations where these same questions kept coming up. I felt like I was trying really hard to understand what I was doing “wrong” to keep feeling so lost. Even with years of therapy under my belt, I still felt completely clueless and had no direction.

This is the downward spiral that has a way of taking us deeper and deeper into more of the same stuff. It’s easy to get stuck in a loop in our heads. The mental patterns of questioning why things are the way they are then grow into feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and instability–all of which stem from the judgment of the situation and the self.

What almost immediately follows that judgment is an overwhelming feeling of shame and embarrassment for who we are, where we are, and the false idea that we “should be” someone or somewhere else. It is because of this shame that we often find ourselves unwilling to open up to those around us. We may even find a desire to shrink back into ourselves, not willing to come out, to be known, or to be visible to the world.

If we can find the courage to break out of the false security that we feel when we hide from being seen by others, we find the power of healing through community. First we establish with ourselves that we are worthy of being seen and heard, that we matter, and that we have value. Then that belief feeds into those we spend our energy with from day to day. The community that helps us to heal will be one that challenges us but most of all one that helps us to feel safe to be who we are, one that we can trust, and one that helps call us out on our own stuff in order to help lift us up.

It is through connecting with others that one first begins to understand the principle of Ahimsa which is the practice of non-violence or non-harming. On some level we understand early on that there isn’t a benefit to harming those around us. Even as children, we know we need each other and we don’t want to see each other hurt. We know on a deep level that we are stronger together than we are on our own and it is a natural desire to want to connect. What’s fascinating is that many of us are better at identifying harm towards others more than we are at seeing how often we harm ourselves.

The practice of Ahimsa absolutely includes refraining from physical violence to those around us but what about the more subtle ways we hurt ourselves and others? The way we tell our stories, the way we gossip, the words we use in thought or in the form of a joke, the way we treat and talk to ourselves and each other are also significant parts of this practice.

Being part of a strong community that encourages support, that helps to lift each other up, that gently calls each other out for falling back into unhealthy patterns, that understands kindness and love can be more powerful and extremely terrifying at the same time is, in my most humble opinion, absolutely essential to self-healing.

Without allowing ourselves to open up, to share that which scares us the most, we can easily stay stuck in our heads, playing the same loop of thought patterns that have us convinced that we are alone and no one else will ever understand. By avoiding the discomfort of vulnerability we also miss the opportunity to test our true courage, the choice to strengthen our resolve, and ultimately to let others in.

Because self-love and self-acceptance can often be found first in how we treat one another, take a moment to recognize if you are talking to yourself the same way you would someone close to you. Remember that you are worthy of the same kindness that you afford others. If you find yourself without a community in which you feel safe and that you can trust, notice first your beliefs about yourself, your value, and your worth. Those who are meant to support your journey of growth will reveal themselves to you in time but it will be up to you to do the work, make the effort, and let yourself be seen.